My Goals / Soapbox

Mandy and I had this discussion last night regarding mental health..  here’s my side of the conversation – which became my soapbox/ goals for our trip in Europe:

“i remember hitting this point a month or two ago where i finally realized that i would be ok if something absolutely amazing didn’t happen every single day. it was like i needed each day to be incredible, memorable or interesting. and coming to realization that life – and everyone living it – wasn’t like that… was incredible. some days might suck… but most importantly, most days are unequivocally uneventful. and that is ok. the calm, boring days are the good ones, and it’s ok to have those.  we live in this society that makes us feel uncomfortable when we look at our phone after an hour or two and there aren’t any notifications.  my ultimate goal is to show everyone – especially young girls – that it’s ok for all of the above.

i mean… who fucking cares whether you ate a mounds bar?? who gives a shit if you haven’t left your house today? why does it matter that you haven’t gotten a text in about 24 hours?! You’re human! Even when we get texts/ snapchats/ messages/ phone calls/ etc… we screen them! half the time we don’t respond… but why do we like getting them? them external validation… i just keep waiting for the growing trend of low-self-esteem and eating disorders. it’s awful.

i hate that all this marketing shit in america promotes losing weight and eating less calories and shit… fuck…!! if someone just stepped up and promoted mental health, like, hey – go for a 20 minute walk every day.. yeah, don’t run… walk as fucking slow as you want, but at least get out there.. then maybe stretch a bit… and eat a couple veggies… you’ll mentally feel a lot better.  you’ll be happier… what would society be like?? instead of pushing weight-loss, we pushed happiness…

there would be a lot more healthy people i think.

i just… it’s just… if i could somehow prevent people from ever having to go through what i’ve been through… to never have to go through what i’m continuing to go through…. i would be so happy.

and what sort of fascinates me about our upcoming adventure is that in europe, though it’s a westernized culture, eating disorders aren’t prevailing. external beauty is not nearly as “treasured”… so what do they value?


We need more female role models like Felicity Smoak on Arrow.  Perhaps then little girls would be more inclined to value themselves for their brains rather than their looks.  And perhaps then we’d have a lot more healthy, happy girls with high-self esteem… And a lot less eating disorders.  Someday!

Check out this article about Felicity and see what you think:

One-Way Ticket

Its actually happening!  I’ve been dreaming about backpacking through Europe with friends my entire life… And everything has fallen into place to allow it to happen.

We’ve bought our one-way tickets to Barcelona in March.  I’m headed to Germany for a few days before that to visit friends…

This is so scary and exciting, with everything I’ve been through in the last year.  But I know it will be good.  Let the adventure begin!

Wonderful Strangers

While waiting for one of my therapy appointments I decided to look through the book sitting in the lobby. It was a book filled with thoughts, inspiration, struggles and advice from all those going through this fight with ed.  It’s a beautiful testament of support, and helps you to not feel so alone in the weird, often-times crazy world of eating disorders.  I took a photo of this beautifully-written page, which inspires me to keep trying.  Thanks to a wonderful stranger for writing their thoughts.  I hope those going through recovery are able to find something meaningful in this as well:


Meditation & Yoga

Yesterday I attended my first Yoga class in over 6 months – since I began treatment.  It was beautiful, wonderful and everything I didn’t really realize yoga was all about.

Through my recovery, it has only been in the last few weeks (and especially over the holidays) that I have discovered how much more to life there is than physical appearance and health.  I’ve been going for meditative walks over the past few months as much as I can, and it’s wonderful.  I feel better, more confident and at peace when I do so.  I do not run, because I don’t need to.  I don’t do this to lose weight, to get “in shape”, to “look better”, I go for walks to feel better, to stay happy – for my mental happiness.  And that is all that it should ever be about.

I went to yoga yesterday with a friend, and for the first time, that’s all the yoga class was about.  I didn’t care how I looked in my yoga gear, or what others thought of me in the specific poses.  I didn’t compare my body, my poses, my stamina to others – only to myself. I was thankful, truly thankful that I made it to the mat, and so truly loving towards my body.  I couldn’t always hold the positions, and I’m definitely a little sore today from the workout yesterday, but I’m happy.  I’m thankful at how amazing my body is to get through the poses, to still be able to balance so well, and to be so strong in the face of all that I’ve been through.  I continued to love and thank my mind for getting through the last 6 months.  And I was truly able to listen to the teacher’s message of unconditional love towards ourselves.  It was so beautiful, and such wonderful timing that the universe brought me to that yoga class, to listen to that message and to be so thankful for everything thing and everyone that has brought me to this moment, right now.

Being present and being thankful continues to be one of the most exhilarating and fabulous ways to keeping me happy and healthy.  I continue to try to remove the word “should” from my vocabulary (and from Ed’s vocabulary).  It’s a challenge, but I think it’s working.  I think I’m healing.

Promise Me

A friend recently gave me a book of poems by Tyler Knott Gregson. They are short, and beautiful, and here are two of my favorites so far:

Gregson Poem

And this one spoke to me so truly – with everything I have been wondering and thinking about… I miss him.  I wrote to him last week and told him I hope that he is happy, that I’d love to meet up with him and catch up.  He responded that I caused him to think, and that he would respond back to me after awhile.  Anyway, this poem is perfect for our situation:

Gregson Poem2

Dear My OneLove,

I’m writing to you because I made a mistake.  A huge mistake.  But you knew that already.  You’ve known me forever.  Who I am, what I’ve wanted to be.  It hurts me so much to know that you knew what I was going through – even when I didn’t.  You knew you had to let me go…  but how? How did you let me go, then?  It took me 3 years to see what you saw.  It took me 3 years to learn that when I left you, I fucked up my life.  I’ve been lost without you.  You were my one and only… but… I can and will understand if you want nothing to do with me… in fact, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

However, for some reason, I have to tell you why.  Even if you never speak to me again… you have to know.  Butt – I was so sick.  I was so mentally ill, I’m so sorry.  I justified leaving you because then I could get “healthy”.  Then I could become a vegetarian  (and eventually a vegan, then gluten-free.. and so on… until all I ingested was juice.) Yes… it sounds awful… but it was there, in my mind for years.  For years before I even met you.  But you knew that. You challenged it.  You somehow knew I was sick… but, unfortunately it wasn’t the right timing.  Until 6 months ago I wasn’t ready to admit my sickness.

But it’s finally getting better.  For the past 6 months I have been in intensive treatment for an eating disorder.  I have been learning how to feed myself, how to love myself, how to value myself, and how to live my life so that I can better love and praise those who are in my life.  I hate that everything I go through, I think of you.  It makes me remember you and how much you loved me no matter what.  I remember some of our silly fights.   I remember you telling me who I was, and I wouldn’t listen.  I also can’t help but think that were we still together now, you’d be there holding my hand, supporting me every day.  I get through some days because I think of you.  I know… maybe you’ve changed a ton… maybe I’ve changed a ton… but whatever it is, I keep on pushing.

You just have to know – I didn’t know who I was.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  Near the end – I created this image in my head of you, so that it’d be easier to push you away.  Good lord, I hate to admit this… I didn’t cry until 2 years later.  I remember watching you shed a tear that day.  But it wasn’t until 2 years later that it hit me.  I was empty… a shell.. when I left you.  Last year when it finally hit me I was rolling on the floor, drooling, gasping, straining… in so much fucking pain.  My Butt… you have to know.. the girl who left you – it wasn’t really me… deep down… I still love you, and no matter what… I always will.

You also have to know… I hate to hear that you may be unhappy in the relationship you’re in now (I could be sooooo wrong though now?!).  You are the one I want to make happy, for the rest of my life.  You’ve pushed me, and strengthened me, and when I was sick I couldn’t handle my own illness, and I hurt you.. you somehow still loved me.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.  A love like that doesn’t come along very often.  But I messed it up.  I was so sick Butt.  I’m still recovering, and honestly, right now, I’m relishing in small victories like: making a simple chicken dinner, going for a walk, saying no to someone, or just eating breakfast.

I miss you Butt.  I love you.  It took me 3 years to get here, but I did.  I’m sorry to make you wait.  But at this point, I’m putting it in your hands.  Please tell me what you want… If you tell me to leave you alone, I’ll move on forever… but if not… well, I love you.  I will lovr you either way, but I need to know.  Black or white, I need to know.

Love always.

5 Things You Should Know About Eating Disorders

1. They are about more than food
2. They thrive on secrets
3. It is an emotional disorder
4.  It IS a mental disorder, it usually partners with other mental disorders, but it CAN be treated.  However, it takes a long time to treat.  The average time it takes for treatment is 7 years.  These are deep-rooted issues and they take time to untangle.
5.  They are all different – causes, symptoms and treatments vary widely.