Below are the many posts I wrote to myself on my phone as I attempted to get through recovery: (My first day of intensive treatment was June 24, 2014)
Sometime in May
The first things that come to mind when I think of these five words:
Money – makes you happy, spend entire paycheck, saving
Love – pain, can’t trust, anger, distance, regret, care about what others think, holds me back, no support
Sex – weapon, slut, guys only want this, drunken, not good at it
Family – expectations, judging, anxiety, pressure, unknown, work, fear to leave, self-acceptance first
Power – good, fun, use for change, intimidate
Happiness – trying to find, travelling, less money, less work, more giving, could get bored
June 22, 2014
What scares me is the more I learn about myself and what I want in life, the more I realize that J knew that already. He knew me so much more than I knew myself, and that scared me. So I came up with these elaborate ideals and goals, turned off my emotions and ran from him. He was the one for me, and I felt like I met him too early or something. I invented reasons to fight with him, reasons that he shouldn’t love me, reasons to push him away. Just so that I wouldn’t feel guilty about hurting him and running away to “live life” or something. Fast forward three years, and now he’s with another girl, that last I heard, he’s not happy with. But it’s been like 2 or 3 years with her, and I don’t think he’ll leave her. But I don’t feel like it’s ok for me to talk to him because even if I convince him to leave her and to love me, would things really be better? Would we really live happily ever after? Or would he come to resent me? Or maybe he really is happy with her. So this is where I am left after all of this… Alone.So why do I feel like I need validation or something from him? It’s been 3 years now. And yet… I can’t shake the feeling that he’s the only one to this day who truly knew me.. And truly loved me, for me. But someone else could, right?
July 24, 2014
I need my own space!! I want my own car. All my shit is in it, as I don’t want to have to move everything. I have to apt at the gas station to get ice for my cooler, I have I get tampons cuz it’s the stupid middle of the month and on top of it I just have anxiety and need my own fucking space!! Especially before competing! I feel like something like this is pissing me off and will throw me off for the rest of te day and I’ll suck at competing cuz I can’t stop thinking about how I didn’t get my way and just ask to bring my car with me! Aaaasrrrrrrgggghh!!! I want to hit something! Just let me take my car and not make a big deal out of it. Don’t make it sound so weird that I have OCD or something if I just want to take my car! But in the grand scheme of things, like any said a lot last night, does it really matter?? Should it really piss me off this much, or throw off my entire day just because I want to take my own car into the site today?! Nooooo!! Calm down K. You’re just being nice, Amy is making a lot of costumes, all your car would do is park at the site and sit there while you plan your competitions and put together routines and such. You’ll probably need to go for a ski run too, so just calm down, take a deep breath and let this one slide. You don’t always get your way, all the time. And you can keep using this as an excuse. Sure, everyone has shit going on in their life, but at a certain point, you need to accept that this is your shit that you have to deal with, but that real life doesn’t stop. I guess I get so caught up in the movement and forget to take a step back, breathe, and remember what’s really important. And that’s family, friends, safety, a career, love. And I just semi-lied to my dad about competing today. Shit, he’s gonna be piiiiiissed. But whatever. I’m doing this for me. To have fun for me and to prove to myself that no matter what type of shit I’m going through, I can do this. I can stand tall and inspire others! Truth is, I’m excited for this weekend. It should be fun! Even though I’ve been sort of dreading it all week… Perhaps because I’ve been scared of the emotions, the anger, the shame, the eating disorder, the craziness, the partying that it would bring up. But it doesn’t ever work to worry. So be calm, and breathe. Be calm and know that you are strong, and you are powerful, and you CAN do this.
August 6, 2014
I had my first-ever nightmare last night. I dreamt that some drug l-dealer guy was trying to kill me and kept sending people after me while on the way home from nationals, hahaha. I kept having to get different rides from people because he blew up my car. I tried to get a ride with T, and he helped for a bit, then left me high and dry, like he has this summer. Then I was at home and these movers were moving stuff back into mom and dad’s house (but they weren’t there) and this guy tried to kill me, so I grabbed this tiny knife and tried to get to him first. And then I woke up. Sweating, in lots of fear. I just laid there and felt the fear, the heart beating, anxiety that I haven’t felt in years. I’d been running from that feeling for so long, it was as though I just sat there and embraced it. It wasn’t bad, or good, I just felt it, tried to take note of the sensations my body was feeling so I could identify that feeling again. I would never wish another nightmare on anyone, but maybe it was good. Hopefully it’s a good sign that I’m dreaming again, and that I’m remembering my dreams again. I’m eating enough, sleeping enough, and really starting to take care of myself. I still feel crazy, I still overthink way too much, and I still have no idea who I am or what I want to do or who I want to be, but at least I’m getting somewhere… I think! I also am glad that I can smile more at practices, but I do get cranky. I’m not the happiest person in the world anymore, but I guess that’s ok… No one really is, so it make me more real, and human, or something. Man I hope I figure this out soon. Dad probably isn’t very happy with my lack of working right now. 😦
August 11, 2014
“While life damages everyone, people can always be mended. Just like heart break, a broken mind can be healed with time.”
August 28, 2014
I just threw a temper – tantrum equivalent to that of a 2 -yr old not getting a candy bar they want at target. Yes, it had crying, screaming, sniffles, that deep-breathing-out-whine, complete with shouting, “I don’t want to!” I didn’t even know why I was crying at first…! Was that my eating disorder shouting that it doesn’t want to eat? Shouting that I don’t want to keep going in treatment? That I don’t want to keep fighting, to keep working for my parents, to go to the show tonight? I don’t want to keep struggling with food. I don’t want to keep trying to dig myself out of this fucking hole I dug all by myself. I don’t want to be responsible, to grow up, to keep having to be so mature and responsible all the time. I don’t want to live the rest of my life having to struggle with food. I don’t want to have to be perfect anymore.
September 1, 2014
“Sometimes you find yourself on a path you never expected – but that doesn’t mean it can’t lead you to a beautiful place” -Outlander
September 2, 2014:
M ‘ s right – now is a time that I have to focus on me and how I’m feeling. That’s where I’m at right now, and I just have to accept that. I have to remember to let whatever comes come and whatever goes go. That’s just how it has to be right now.
Dear you know who you are,
Thank you all for teaching me things about myself and for showing me the way to recovery. Each of you had a different hand in it, helping and hurting, but ultimately you all make me feel so alone. So betrayed and distrusting of guys and relationships. How am I supposed to believe there is good in the world when any guy who has once been nice can be oh-so-not? I want to believe that someone could treat me right, and that I deserve the best, but when? From where? Going through recovery I’m starting to feel better and like it’s ok to open up, but is it? I thank you all for helping me know that I can get through hurt and hell and betrayal, but do I really want to? of course to get acceptance there will be a lot of rejection, but it sucks. Feelings suck. I guess I keep focusing on me and what I want. And what I want is to move to florida. To become a teacher, and to fall in love. One step at a time I guess. I just have to remember how I felt last night, that I am good enough. I am worthy of love. I am important. I will prove all 3 of you wrong. Someone out there will love me someday and I’ll be happy. I’ll have climbed from the ashes of the anger and sadness you all brought to me, and I’ll be better for it. It’ll just take some time… to deal with food and family and myself.
So what is it I’m overwhelmed by that scares me so much about food for the rest of my life? I’m overwhelmed by being alone, by living life with just me and by not living it right. (Oops there’s the perfectionism). I’m overwhelmed by the expectations of my parents and the choices they want me to make. I’m overwhelmed by all they expect me to do and all I have yet to do. I’m overwhelmed by expectations in general and by social situations. I can’t even navigate food, so how could I even get close to navigating a relationship? Fml.
So lebanon… I will go and have a fun time, attempt to eat the food, joke around with everyone and ski when needed. I won’t worry about my weight or about T2. I won’t drink much, and will put some books and movies on my ipad to watch during breaks. It’ll be a long trip, but I’ll have to make the most of it. Be happy in who I am, and know that I am worthy. I am good enough – better than enough for T2. It will be fun to see everyone again, and that’s all it will be. Things won’t go perfect, but I will be able to handle it. It’ll give me time to research teaching in Florida as well. I can flirt with T2, but no more (and thank goodness Miss B will be there and be my roommate) extra reminders! I just can’t allow that. I expect someone to treat me better than that! I am worthy and important and good enough.
September 5, 2014:
I’m not over J yet. I’m still in love with him, but I know I have to let him go. I still believe in magic (as Coldplay would call it), and I know it can happen again. It’s all about loving yourself, the right timing, a little vulnerability, and a dash of luck. I feel like I’m on the right path… moving to Florida at the end of the year, becoming a teacher… it all just feels so right, for once on my life. It’s scary to be changing it up so dramatically … but I have time to orepare. Time to save money, explore possible schools, tell mom and dad, wrap up the marketing stuff. It just feels possible. And deep down in my heart, it’s what I want. So it’s going to be a tough next couple months, especially after figuring out what the “poison” is.. what’s been making me sick for so long… and it will have to keep making me sick for a little while longer. It may get worse before it gets better, but I have to remember. .. it will get better. This is all finally the right path for me. I just know it’ll be worth it. It will get better!!
September 9, 2014
Sweetheart, just go out there and show them what you can do! You made it this far in the water ski world and have earned the right to be a part of this team. Not one person has been surprised that you’re on the team or has said that you don’t deserve to be here. So what are you trying to prove? You’ve gotten through the hardest part (making the team), and now you get to enjoy the ride. Put on a great show with your teammates and just have fun out there. You’re one of the best swivelers in the world, and your performance this weekend – wet or dry -won’t change that fact. You are strong and beautiful and determined. You have so many people proud of you for just being here. Hold onto that pride, know you’re good enough, take a deep breath and just ski. You were born to be here, and you can do this. You got through treatment like a boss, and though there are struggles, look how far you’ve come! If you could push through that fucking Chinese meal, then this is cake 🙂 Good luck my dear – you no longer have anything to prove – remember that. And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good. Love You beautiful!
September 9, 2014
-1 thing you’re thankful for today
-watch big bang
-read Harry potter
-play bubble witch
-listen to music
-call: mom, St, M, N
September 20, 2014
I hate feeling this way. It’s exactly what I was afraid of… starting to let someone in again and then the jealousy kicks in. I was so worried tonight about T2 and A (I think that’s her name). She’s super nice and whatever, but was totally coming onto him. They talked almost all night and I just continually felt like shit, that sinking feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy of love. That he’s just using me. That he doesn’t care like I do. But then a couple things happened – he faced me with his feet and torso all night while talking to her, he talked to me once in awhile – and it made me happy. At the end of the night he gave me a piggy back and brought me all the way to the hotel… but yet didn’t want to say bye to her.?! He held my hand for a second, then let it go… he says he doesn’t like people being all up in his business, but is that really the deal? Really?! He called me “babe” today when I fell and I can feel him always watching me – but I guess I’m just scared that he’s not in the same spot I am. Well what’s the solution? Be proud of who I am. I don’t need hjm, I am beautiful and amazing and determined without hjm. I don’t need him to be happy – although it’s fun. I guess tonight kinda sucked cuz living in the moment didn’t really work. I have anxiety about the rest of our vacation because A will be around…. [later on] Ugh. And now I just asked Miss B about him and he’s slept with her… right before this trip. Fucking asshole. I don’t even know what to think right now. Poor girl. Poor me.
October 1, 2014
The recurring dream has happened at least two more times after that first, really scary one. The second time he was trying to shoot me with a gun, and was shooting up the house, but I ran upstairs and somehow made the floor/ ceiling between us really wide – so wide that the bullets couldn’t get through. And then I woke up. That was a couple weeks ago, either right before world’s or during worlds, I can’t remember. The third one was last night. A man was chasing me with a gun… but I had one too. And I shot back. A lot. It was in my parents’ kitchen if I remember right.. (dreams get hazy after awhile).
Reading online what this type of dream means, it signifies a fight to end a habit or a former way if thinking. I guess when you actually commit the murder in a dream it means an end to an addiction. “Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.” This struck me as extremely interesting… it’s ED that keeps trying to pop up and I’m trying to end him! Amd the overwhelming feelings are from work, from the future, etc. And from the disappointing feelings from all the men in my life 😦
But each time this dream occurs, I get stronger and smarter and push ED back further. So it’s good I think… I cannot wait until the dream stops – and ED is gone. It also noted that dreams of murder seem to occur during points of depression. Interesting. But again, I hope they end soon.