I binged and purged tonight. For the first time since stopping a week or two after starting intensive treatment. I don’t fully know what happened. I’ve felt more in control of my life than I ever have before, and yet, ED still came thriugh. He was smarter this tkme, and appeared a little differently. It wasn’t the raging, important, “you must purge now” type of message… it was more of a “it’d be a good idea if… it’s been awhile, you’ve done well, one setback won’t hurt, you did eat too much ice cream, you will just feel better if you do..” ugh, I feel so guilty and gross. I am concerned.. what does this mean? I’m super confused about life right now and sad to be alone and to not have anyone… and betrayed and have been left again. Is that what really triggers ed? When I get left? Or when I get let down? I’m tired of this shit. Some days I just don’t want to deal with it. I do miss talking to others who have fought the same battles and understand the craziness that goes on inside your head. I’m terrified for the future. I’m terrified to leave treatment and go to florida. I just want to be normal again and feel worthy of love… I have faith that one day I will. One day I’ll feel like I’m enough. Truly good enough.
“Never allow anyone else to bring you down… there is someone out there who is good. Good things and people are there, you just haven’t met them yet.” –best cab driver ever