Could it be possible that I’ve been seeing life as so darned black and white that I can’t even stand to have a “normal” day?
But what is a normal day? I feel like I’ve lived life for so long trying to make each day awesome, trying to make sure I do *something* every day, just so it doesn’t feel “wasted”. For so long I’ve tried to live life to the fullest all the time, and thought of each day as either “good” or “bad”. But what about those days that are just, “meh.” Are those normal?
I feel as though this online culture has forced us to become so familiar and demanding that something is either “good” or “bad”. We either get a ton of text messages and facebook messages and snapchats (“good” day because things are happening) or we have a day where we don’t get a lot of messages (“bad” day). Isn’t that ok to have days like that though? I feel like we are becoming conditioned to reach out somehow on those “bad” days. But is that really a “bad” day? No! It’s just a “meh” day. Why can’t we just be ok with the fact that most days are “meh” days?
I’m trying to figure out a “new normal” for myself – and am definitely struggling. For so long (my entire life) I was in school, then after-school activities, then sports, then would come home, crash, and do it all over again. On the weekends I would always have to be doing something, all day every day, and would need to report it to my parents at the end of the weekend. This followed all the way through college, and into work after college. I didn’t know what to do with myself if I got home earlier than when it was time to go to bed. What would have happened if I had just laid there? If I had just relaxed for a weekend? I would have gotten a disappointed pause, and a lecture on all the things I could have/ should have done. Yes, my family was (and still is) very driven. But only until my body and my mind hit a breaking point. Now, going through recovery it’s so hard to judge whether I’m having a “normal” day, or a “meh” day. I definitely know which days are the “good” and “bad” days – but the days in between? I feel guilty and ashamed that nothing much happens in them. But I would venture to guess that that is normal. That is what happens when you slow down in life, and attempt to notice yourself. It’s darn terrifying, and confusing, and difficult.
Some days I feel so boring. But maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe “boring” and “meh” are exactly what’s needed right now to help me recover. I just don’t want “boring” to be my new normal. Perhaps I experienced so much in my life already that nothings left but to feel a little jaded and tired. That may sound awful to say, but could it be true?