(so sorry – there is a bit of swearing in this post) I’m so tired of this job – I’m just exhausted from feeling guilty about not working 80 hour weeks, from not working on the weekends. I’m tired of feeling guilty and like I’m disappointing people when I can’t finish something within a day or two. I’m tired of trying not to fail. I’m tired of walking alone to lunch or eating lunch at my desk. I’m tired of browsing the web and pretending to work while here at the office because I can’t concentrate and because if I’m not in the office, “I’m not working”. I’m tired of having to get every single, fucking thing approved before sending it out. I’m tired of being told one thing and then something else happens. I’m tired of getting a budget and then having to explain every fucking thing on it.
I’m tired of being treated like a child, of not being trusted that some of my decisions might actually be good. I’m tired of making suggestions and coming up with ideas and then only being able to follow through on those ideas 6 months later when someone else says it. I’m tired of never being able to complain about work with colleagues. I’m the boss’ daughter – no one wants to tell me anything. I’m tired of having 2 bosses. I’m burned out. I get angry because it’s the same fucking fight every time. I try to keep up with the fucking status report that is usually 2 pages long by the end of the week. But it doesn’t convey how long some shit takes…. Or how long it even takes to do the fucking status report. I’m tired of micro-management. I just wish I could make a decision, and if it sucks, well I learned and I won’t do it again. But nope. I’m tired of being told that marketing needs to do more, so that sales increase. Yet production can’t keep up. And I’m not allowed to try any of those new things I want to try – or they’re critiqued heavily if we do try them. I’m tired of trying to explain the importance of adwords. I’m tired of having to use old-school marketing tactics in a new-school world.
I’m tired of having that same argument – the one talking about how it’s actually better to NOT work hundreds of hours a week. That one gets more done if they take a little time off. I’m tired of trying to explain why it might be ok to offer the ability to work from home. Or to leave early once in awhile. I’m tired of being in crisis mode every day. We keep putting band-aids over problems and wondering why the same problems keep coming back. I’m tired of so many new people in the office all the time. I’m tired of making shit money, being in crazy debt and listening to my parents talk about their spending habits, and how the company is spending too much. I’m tired of hearing about what everyone else is doing wrong, and what they should have done. It just makes me more afraid to fail or make even tiny mistakes. I’m overwhelmed with working here – no wonder food seems overwhelming. It was the only thing I could control for awhile there. And the less I ate, the less emotions would pop up, the harder I would work and the more shit I would get done – thus the vicious cycle started. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve disappointed the team because I’m not doing as much as I used to. I’m tired of being the “boss’ daughter” and everything that comes with that. I just want to be normal – struggling to pay rent in an apartment with friends, working in the real world. I don’t want to depend on my parents anymore. I don’t want to depend on their approval.
I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m exhausted that we never take time to celebrate the victories, and be proud of each other. I’m sick of watching my dad work 100 hours a week. It’s not good for his health, for his marriage, for the business. I don’t ever want to be like that. I want to work, and be successful, but I don’t want it to sacrifice my health, or my family life. My brother and I grew up while our parents worked their asses off. And we were criticized for not doing the same. Now my little bro has gotten away (Japan actually!) and he’s happy. I need to get away too. And hopefully the biggest step will be to get out of the family business. I can’t do this anymore. When I tell people how much stuff I do at work and what is expected of me, they’re always shocked. The list of tasks and the timelines to complete them in is ridiculous. It’s maybe what a normal person’s busy day or week could look like. But not every fucking day… of the entire fucking year. People are shocked by what I’m responsible for, and don’t believe I can do that much. But I do, and I did. And look where I ended up. Intensive treatment. Fuck, I’m exhausted. I think things are getting better – my need for perfectionism is dying down a bit. And I’m becoming ok with coming into work a little later, and not staying as late – though my parents still stay pretty late. I still work around 60 hours a week or so, but I can only hope to get a different job and slow down a little. It was nice to hear from several people this week that where I’m working, what I’m working in, isn’t normal. It’s just so hard to continue to watch my parents work this much and think it’s ok. I worry about them. But I guess at this point I only have enough worry in my system to worry about my mental health and my job hunt. At least I’ve gotten a bit better at eating…