Promise Me

A friend recently gave me a book of poems by Tyler Knott Gregson. They are short, and beautiful, and here are two of my favorites so far:

Gregson Poem

And this one spoke to me so truly – with everything I have been wondering and thinking about… I miss him.  I wrote to him last week and told him I hope that he is happy, that I’d love to meet up with him and catch up.  He responded that I caused him to think, and that he would respond back to me after awhile.  Anyway, this poem is perfect for our situation:

Gregson Poem2

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Dear My OneLove,

I’m writing to you because I made a mistake.  A huge mistake.  But you knew that already.  You’ve known me forever.  Who I am, what I’ve wanted to be.  It hurts me so much to know that you knew what I was going through – even when I didn’t.  You knew you had to let me go…  but how? How did you let me go, then?  It took me 3 years to see what you saw.  It took me 3 years to learn that when I left you, I fucked up my life.  I’ve been lost without you.  You were my one and only… but… I can and will understand if you want nothing to do with me… in fact, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.

However, for some reason, I have to tell you why.  Even if you never speak to me again… you have to know.  Butt – I was so sick.  I was so mentally ill, I’m so sorry.  I justified leaving you because then I could get “healthy”.  Then I could become a vegetarian  (and eventually a vegan, then gluten-free.. and so on… until all I ingested was juice.) Yes… it sounds awful… but it was there, in my mind for years.  For years before I even met you.  But you knew that. You challenged it.  You somehow knew I was sick… but, unfortunately it wasn’t the right timing.  Until 6 months ago I wasn’t ready to admit my sickness.

But it’s finally getting better.  For the past 6 months I have been in intensive treatment for an eating disorder.  I have been learning how to feed myself, how to love myself, how to value myself, and how to live my life so that I can better love and praise those who are in my life.  I hate that everything I go through, I think of you.  It makes me remember you and how much you loved me no matter what.  I remember some of our silly fights.   I remember you telling me who I was, and I wouldn’t listen.  I also can’t help but think that were we still together now, you’d be there holding my hand, supporting me every day.  I get through some days because I think of you.  I know… maybe you’ve changed a ton… maybe I’ve changed a ton… but whatever it is, I keep on pushing.

You just have to know – I didn’t know who I was.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  Near the end – I created this image in my head of you, so that it’d be easier to push you away.  Good lord, I hate to admit this… I didn’t cry until 2 years later.  I remember watching you shed a tear that day.  But it wasn’t until 2 years later that it hit me.  I was empty… a shell.. when I left you.  Last year when it finally hit me I was rolling on the floor, drooling, gasping, straining… in so much fucking pain.  My Butt… you have to know.. the girl who left you – it wasn’t really me… deep down… I still love you, and no matter what… I always will.

You also have to know… I hate to hear that you may be unhappy in the relationship you’re in now (I could be sooooo wrong though now?!).  You are the one I want to make happy, for the rest of my life.  You’ve pushed me, and strengthened me, and when I was sick I couldn’t handle my own illness, and I hurt you.. you somehow still loved me.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.  A love like that doesn’t come along very often.  But I messed it up.  I was so sick Butt.  I’m still recovering, and honestly, right now, I’m relishing in small victories like: making a simple chicken dinner, going for a walk, saying no to someone, or just eating breakfast.

I miss you Butt.  I love you.  It took me 3 years to get here, but I did.  I’m sorry to make you wait.  But at this point, I’m putting it in your hands.  Please tell me what you want… If you tell me to leave you alone, I’ll move on forever… but if not… well, I love you.  I will lovr you either way, but I need to know.  Black or white, I need to know.

Love always.

5 Things You Should Know About Eating Disorders

1. They are about more than food
2. They thrive on secrets
3. It is an emotional disorder
4.  It IS a mental disorder, it usually partners with other mental disorders, but it CAN be treated.  However, it takes a long time to treat.  The average time it takes for treatment is 7 years.  These are deep-rooted issues and they take time to untangle.
5.  They are all different – causes, symptoms and treatments vary widely.

Dear Mom & Dad,

hank you for everything you’ve done for me.  I hope you know and can understand that I try so very hard to make you happy, and that it is tough for me to believe and know that I have made you proud.  I love you both very much, and will always be thankful for having such supportive and loving parents.  It takes a special person to be patient and supportive and strong for a child who is sick, and while you may not believe that I am sick all the time, you do try to understand me.  It’s just unfortunate that when a person’s mind is broken, it is a lot harder to tell (and to treat) than if say, their leg was broken.

All I ask is to please be patient and to continue to support me on this journey.  I am trying to understand and strengthen who I am, and what I am living for.   I pushed myself at 300 mph for 3 years, and so I am slowing down and trying to live at a normal speed.  To do that, I had to slow down to about 5 mph to recover… but am now getting better, and able to slowly handle more again.

I want you to know and to say thank you for everything you have done and continue to do for me.  From meals, to letting me move in, to paying for the vacation to florida, to allowing me to work a little less this summer to focus on my mental health, to driving a battery all the way out to me in minneapolis, to taking me to restaurants and theme parks, and giving me things to try at work… it never ends.  And I am forever grateful.

I have such supporting parents, and sometimes it kills me.  I want to be the perfect child.  I want to make you happy, and never disappoint you, and never make a wrong decision, and never fail, and always have you proud of me… but I’m learning that that just isn’t possible.  I’m learning that It’s ok to cry sometimes and to feel helpless.  I’m learning that sometimes you need to ask for help, and I’m sorry that the people I most trust to ask for help are also the ones that have already helped me so much.  It’s hard for me to ask for help (and to appreciate those who have helped me). But I’m trying.  Your support matters, and I am thankful everyday for it.  I’m trying my hardest so that you don’t have to be annoyed to support me anymore.  I’m Trying To feel comfortable on my own two feet… and I think I’m getting there.   Day by day, week by week.

I love you both, so very much.  I hope you know that.  I am trying, I really am.  I wish there was a better way to show it… but please know – I so appreciate everything you do.

Love you.

Fabulous Travels

I love to travel.  And not to just experience new places and cultures, but to meet new people.  And, part of it is honestly because I think I’m one of the luckiest people ever when going to the airport.  In the last 2 years I have never waited longer than 5-10 minutes in the he security line, and have had so many close calls it’s scary to count.  A few times I’ve been extremely late to the airport, only to find out my flight is delayed too.  Granted, I’ve had a few struggles, but tonight was a wonderful one.

I got to my gate about an hour and a half early and decided to sit at the bar like I always do when I’m early for a flight (or on-time when I fly through security during those close-calls, haha).  I relaxed and calmed down after a busy day at work for about 45 minutes.  Then ran into this really cute guy who sat right next to me and used to work at the bar.  He was really cool and had some fun stories.  Then across the bar I see Alicia, whom I went to both college and high school with.  And she happens to be talking with a friend who is headed to Orlando too.  And this friend happens to be dating a cousin of one of my friends… and those two guys happen to be meeting up for a beer tonight too.  What a freaking small world.

I love travel because of the fabulous people I meet.  Though the world seems so huge and so many things yet to be discovered, I continue to learn how small this world is.  Alicia said she’d talked to a few people who tied me to our college… crazy!! Guess quite a few people knew who I was there!

Anyway, it’s important to try to live in the present to appreciate the small things. Especially after a those stressful days at work… somehow airports spell adventure… and seem to help you forget some of your worries. It’s nice to step out of that comfort zone once in awhile and be surprised by life.  It’s absolutely fabulous out there, and I’m glad I’m starting to feel better. 

Life, love & fabulous y’all.  Happy Thanksgiving.