My Goals / Soapbox

Mandy and I had this discussion last night regarding mental health..  here’s my side of the conversation – which became my soapbox/ goals for our trip in Europe:

“i remember hitting this point a month or two ago where i finally realized that i would be ok if something absolutely amazing didn’t happen every single day. it was like i needed each day to be incredible, memorable or interesting. and coming to realization that life – and everyone living it – wasn’t like that… was incredible. some days might suck… but most importantly, most days are unequivocally uneventful. and that is ok. the calm, boring days are the good ones, and it’s ok to have those.  we live in this society that makes us feel uncomfortable when we look at our phone after an hour or two and there aren’t any notifications.  my ultimate goal is to show everyone – especially young girls – that it’s ok for all of the above.

i mean… who fucking cares whether you ate a mounds bar?? who gives a shit if you haven’t left your house today? why does it matter that you haven’t gotten a text in about 24 hours?! You’re human! Even when we get texts/ snapchats/ messages/ phone calls/ etc… we screen them! half the time we don’t respond… but why do we like getting them? them external validation… i just keep waiting for the growing trend of low-self-esteem and eating disorders. it’s awful.

i hate that all this marketing shit in america promotes losing weight and eating less calories and shit… fuck…!! if someone just stepped up and promoted mental health, like, hey – go for a 20 minute walk every day.. yeah, don’t run… walk as fucking slow as you want, but at least get out there.. then maybe stretch a bit… and eat a couple veggies… you’ll mentally feel a lot better.  you’ll be happier… what would society be like?? instead of pushing weight-loss, we pushed happiness…

there would be a lot more healthy people i think.

i just… it’s just… if i could somehow prevent people from ever having to go through what i’ve been through… to never have to go through what i’m continuing to go through…. i would be so happy.

and what sort of fascinates me about our upcoming adventure is that in europe, though it’s a westernized culture, eating disorders aren’t prevailing. external beauty is not nearly as “treasured”… so what do they value?


Wonderful Strangers

While waiting for one of my therapy appointments I decided to look through the book sitting in the lobby. It was a book filled with thoughts, inspiration, struggles and advice from all those going through this fight with ed.  It’s a beautiful testament of support, and helps you to not feel so alone in the weird, often-times crazy world of eating disorders.  I took a photo of this beautifully-written page, which inspires me to keep trying.  Thanks to a wonderful stranger for writing their thoughts.  I hope those going through recovery are able to find something meaningful in this as well:


Meditation & Yoga

Yesterday I attended my first Yoga class in over 6 months – since I began treatment.  It was beautiful, wonderful and everything I didn’t really realize yoga was all about.

Through my recovery, it has only been in the last few weeks (and especially over the holidays) that I have discovered how much more to life there is than physical appearance and health.  I’ve been going for meditative walks over the past few months as much as I can, and it’s wonderful.  I feel better, more confident and at peace when I do so.  I do not run, because I don’t need to.  I don’t do this to lose weight, to get “in shape”, to “look better”, I go for walks to feel better, to stay happy – for my mental happiness.  And that is all that it should ever be about.

I went to yoga yesterday with a friend, and for the first time, that’s all the yoga class was about.  I didn’t care how I looked in my yoga gear, or what others thought of me in the specific poses.  I didn’t compare my body, my poses, my stamina to others – only to myself. I was thankful, truly thankful that I made it to the mat, and so truly loving towards my body.  I couldn’t always hold the positions, and I’m definitely a little sore today from the workout yesterday, but I’m happy.  I’m thankful at how amazing my body is to get through the poses, to still be able to balance so well, and to be so strong in the face of all that I’ve been through.  I continued to love and thank my mind for getting through the last 6 months.  And I was truly able to listen to the teacher’s message of unconditional love towards ourselves.  It was so beautiful, and such wonderful timing that the universe brought me to that yoga class, to listen to that message and to be so thankful for everything thing and everyone that has brought me to this moment, right now.

Being present and being thankful continues to be one of the most exhilarating and fabulous ways to keeping me happy and healthy.  I continue to try to remove the word “should” from my vocabulary (and from Ed’s vocabulary).  It’s a challenge, but I think it’s working.  I think I’m healing.

Promise Me

A friend recently gave me a book of poems by Tyler Knott Gregson. They are short, and beautiful, and here are two of my favorites so far:

Gregson Poem

And this one spoke to me so truly – with everything I have been wondering and thinking about… I miss him.  I wrote to him last week and told him I hope that he is happy, that I’d love to meet up with him and catch up.  He responded that I caused him to think, and that he would respond back to me after awhile.  Anyway, this poem is perfect for our situation:

Gregson Poem2

Thanks Ed

Alright, all this talk about Eating Disorders (“ED”) and all I can think of is how much I love Ed Sheeran!  His songs are so real, and soothing.  Here’s a couple I love to listen to when needing to calm down the anxiety a bit:

Tenerife Sea:  “Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it’s enough for me.  Cuz all that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”

Afire Love:  “I could look into your eyes until the sun comes up,”

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life”

Today I woke up with a renewed energy, a new superpower, feeling a little fire in my belly. Today is the last day of my intensive treatment, a day filled with fear, sadness and excitement.

I felt as though I was in a movie, getting ready for battle, or a big, glorious celebration as I put my earrings on, pulled my hair into a messy side-bun and slid my watch on. I guess it is a day filled with battle and celebration. It’s such a huge day – I’ve finally reached a point that, for the first time in my life, I feel worthy. I am good enough. I can and should feel validity and be proud to take up space in this world. I wake up every day and make the choice to fight, and to no longer feel as though I should wither away into nothing. And I will fight every day to eat, to accept who I am and to smile with true happiness in every core of my being.

There’s a wonderful world out there, and it’s time to enjoy it! I’m excited to announce that I’ve found a new meaning for this blog – no longer is it about intense and strict health beliefs that spur on eating disorders and the pursuit of a type of perfection that just doesn’t exist… It is now what it always should have been – perhaps, meant to be?

This blog is about the pursuit of life, love and all things fabulous! It’s about celebrating who we are, each one of us – and how living in recovery can be wonderful – even better than before. In the coming months I hope to share the ups and downs of my journey with you. And maybe, just maybe, we can all learn to celebrate how wonderful, beautiful and fabulous we all are – inside and out!

“This blog is about the pursuit of life, love and all things fabulous!”