My Goals / Soapbox

Mandy and I had this discussion last night regarding mental health..  here’s my side of the conversation – which became my soapbox/ goals for our trip in Europe:

“i remember hitting this point a month or two ago where i finally realized that i would be ok if something absolutely amazing didn’t happen every single day. it was like i needed each day to be incredible, memorable or interesting. and coming to realization that life – and everyone living it – wasn’t like that… was incredible. some days might suck… but most importantly, most days are unequivocally uneventful. and that is ok. the calm, boring days are the good ones, and it’s ok to have those.  we live in this society that makes us feel uncomfortable when we look at our phone after an hour or two and there aren’t any notifications.  my ultimate goal is to show everyone – especially young girls – that it’s ok for all of the above.

i mean… who fucking cares whether you ate a mounds bar?? who gives a shit if you haven’t left your house today? why does it matter that you haven’t gotten a text in about 24 hours?! You’re human! Even when we get texts/ snapchats/ messages/ phone calls/ etc… we screen them! half the time we don’t respond… but why do we like getting them? them external validation… i just keep waiting for the growing trend of low-self-esteem and eating disorders. it’s awful.

i hate that all this marketing shit in america promotes losing weight and eating less calories and shit… fuck…!! if someone just stepped up and promoted mental health, like, hey – go for a 20 minute walk every day.. yeah, don’t run… walk as fucking slow as you want, but at least get out there.. then maybe stretch a bit… and eat a couple veggies… you’ll mentally feel a lot better.  you’ll be happier… what would society be like?? instead of pushing weight-loss, we pushed happiness…

there would be a lot more healthy people i think.

i just… it’s just… if i could somehow prevent people from ever having to go through what i’ve been through… to never have to go through what i’m continuing to go through…. i would be so happy.

and what sort of fascinates me about our upcoming adventure is that in europe, though it’s a westernized culture, eating disorders aren’t prevailing. external beauty is not nearly as “treasured”… so what do they value?

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Wonderful Strangers

While waiting for one of my therapy appointments I decided to look through the book sitting in the lobby. It was a book filled with thoughts, inspiration, struggles and advice from all those going through this fight with ed.  It’s a beautiful testament of support, and helps you to not feel so alone in the weird, often-times crazy world of eating disorders.  I took a photo of this beautifully-written page, which inspires me to keep trying.  Thanks to a wonderful stranger for writing their thoughts.  I hope those going through recovery are able to find something meaningful in this as well:

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Meditation & Yoga

Yesterday I attended my first Yoga class in over 6 months – since I began treatment.  It was beautiful, wonderful and everything I didn’t really realize yoga was all about.

Through my recovery, it has only been in the last few weeks (and especially over the holidays) that I have discovered how much more to life there is than physical appearance and health.  I’ve been going for meditative walks over the past few months as much as I can, and it’s wonderful.  I feel better, more confident and at peace when I do so.  I do not run, because I don’t need to.  I don’t do this to lose weight, to get “in shape”, to “look better”, I go for walks to feel better, to stay happy – for my mental happiness.  And that is all that it should ever be about.

I went to yoga yesterday with a friend, and for the first time, that’s all the yoga class was about.  I didn’t care how I looked in my yoga gear, or what others thought of me in the specific poses.  I didn’t compare my body, my poses, my stamina to others – only to myself. I was thankful, truly thankful that I made it to the mat, and so truly loving towards my body.  I couldn’t always hold the positions, and I’m definitely a little sore today from the workout yesterday, but I’m happy.  I’m thankful at how amazing my body is to get through the poses, to still be able to balance so well, and to be so strong in the face of all that I’ve been through.  I continued to love and thank my mind for getting through the last 6 months.  And I was truly able to listen to the teacher’s message of unconditional love towards ourselves.  It was so beautiful, and such wonderful timing that the universe brought me to that yoga class, to listen to that message and to be so thankful for everything thing and everyone that has brought me to this moment, right now.

Being present and being thankful continues to be one of the most exhilarating and fabulous ways to keeping me happy and healthy.  I continue to try to remove the word “should” from my vocabulary (and from Ed’s vocabulary).  It’s a challenge, but I think it’s working.  I think I’m healing.

Marketing Has Ruined the World

old ads2Let me start this post by saying that I’m a Marketing Manager.  I actually love my job and thoroughly enjoy trying to figure out the best ways to promote the products and services that I work with to the right target market of people that will want to buy them.  However, at the risk of making a sweeping comparison… I’m going to do it anyway.

In the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s, cigarette advertising was extremely prominent.  It proved to work, and hooked thousands – no millions – of Americans on them.  Years later, we would learn about their dangerous affects and how awful they were to our health.  To this day, states are still enacting rules to ban them as they continue to take thousands – no millions – of lives. My grandma and grandpa passed away because of them.

 

I will stretch a bit and venture to say that the next big challenge to our health is the “look” of being skinnier that we have been sold to for years now by marketers.  It’s the sunliminal belief that has been pounded into our minds for years that to be successful, one must be skinny.  To be sexy, beautiful, seen as smart, important, high profile… anythjng… one must be skinny. When was the last time someone ‘normal’ has been featured in an ad.  Someone whose thighs touched when they walk?  How about a girl who has hips?  Cuz fuck, we all have hips!  I’m not asking for ads with women who are pounds overweight, but one who is normal.   One with 20%-ish of body fat and is portrayed as strong, and beautiful.  Isn’t that what everyone wants to see anyway?

old adsI feel like eating disorders are on the rise.  The amount of girls who feel low self-esteem, feel inadequate, and don’t practice self-love continues to drop every year.  And while I won’t blame it all on marketing and the media, (some can be blamed on the social media, constantly online culture – but that’s a topic for another time), it’s not helping.  I hope that someday we can teach girls to love themselves without needing new clothes, or to be Uber skinny – their flaws, imperfections and all.  Is all of this wishing and believing for a better life and a better image leading to increased depression?  Maybe we just need to have a more open discussion about mental health.  Maybe the US should be just as open and understanding about mental health as they have been in the last year or two with gay marriage.  When someone breaks their leg, we can see it, and are able to watch it heal… but why, when someone’s mind is broken, do we not talk about it?  We allow them to continue going about life, like nothing is wrong.  Can you imagine walking around with a bone sticking out of your leg and pretending everything is fine for years?  WTF?!  Let’s make it talk to talk about these things so that those that need help can get it and so that everyone can talk about how fucker up it is to have a sticks and bones model promote how amazing cigarettes are for you.

What is a “Normal” Day, Anyway?

Could it be possible that I’ve been seeing life as so darned black and white that I can’t even stand to have a “normal” day?

But what is a normal day?  I feel like I’ve lived life for so long trying to make each day awesome, trying to make sure I do *something* every day, just so it doesn’t feel “wasted”.  For so long I’ve tried to live life to the fullest all the time, and thought of each day as either “good” or “bad”.  But what about those days that are just, “meh.”  Are those normal?

I feel as though this online culture has forced us to become so familiar and demanding that something is either “good” or “bad”.  We either get a ton of text messages and facebook messages and snapchats (“good” day because things are happening) or we have a day where we don’t get a lot of messages (“bad” day).  Isn’t that ok to have days like that though?  I feel like we are becoming conditioned to reach out somehow on those “bad” days.  But is that really a “bad” day?  No!  It’s just a “meh” day.  Why can’t we just be ok with the fact that most days are “meh” days?

I’m trying to figure out a “new normal” for myself – and am definitely struggling.  For so long (my entire life) I was in school, then after-school activities, then sports, then would come home, crash, and do it all over again.  On the weekends I would always have to be doing something, all day every day, and would need to report it to my parents at the end of the weekend.  This followed all the way through college, and into work after college.  I didn’t know what to do with myself if I got home earlier than when it was time to go to bed.  What would have happened if I had just laid there?  If I had just relaxed for a weekend? I would have gotten a disappointed pause, and a lecture on all the things I could have/ should have done.  Yes, my family was (and still is) very driven.  But only until my body and my mind hit a breaking point.  Now, going through recovery it’s so hard to judge whether I’m having a “normal” day, or a “meh” day.  I definitely know which days are the “good” and “bad” days – but the days in between? I feel guilty and ashamed that nothing much happens in them.  But I would venture to guess that that is normal.  That is what happens when you slow down in life, and attempt to notice yourself.  It’s darn terrifying, and confusing, and difficult.

Some days I feel so boring.  But maybe that’s a good thing?  Maybe “boring” and “meh” are exactly what’s needed right now to help me recover.  I just don’t want “boring” to be my new normal.  Perhaps I experienced so much in my life already that nothings left but to feel a little jaded and tired.  That may sound awful to say, but could it be true?

I Like Me

First, The Betrayal:

colourful-girl-nature-photography-rainbow-umbrella-favim-com-140201Over the weekend I found out/ confirmed that a guy I was into was actually a huge liar and a cheat.  Pretty much everything he said to me was a lie, and was superficial.  It was a very sick moment, to find out that I had been betrayed and lied to so easily, that I had allowed it to happen to myself, that I had given quite a bit to this guy – who in turn, didn’t care in the same way that I did.  I felt guilt and shame because there was a part of me that never had really trusted him, and I didn’t listen.  There was part of me that wasn’t surprised at all by his lies and by his two-timing.  I didn’t heed the ‘red flags’ (in things he said, did, and even advice from friends) that popped up during the time we were together – I just blew past them all and hoped and dreamed that maybe, just maybe, I could be the one to “fix” him.  But after spending awhile feeling sad, and angry and of course, brainstorming all sorts of creative ways to get back at him in my head (because “he should have to feel the hurt I feel!  He should know what it’s like!  He needs to get a taste of his own medicine!”), I finally came to a moment of acceptance.  I finally calmed down, and realized that I’m not one to seek revenge.  I don’t have time for it.  I realized that the more time I spend in my own mind thinking about how he hurt me and hosinkw deserves to hurt too, the more I give him the power that he wants – and the more I just keep hurting myself.

Then, Wondering Why:

The truth is – I know that he is already hurting more.  He’s already gotten to such a sad place in his life that in order to feel good about himself, he needs to have several girls wanting him, and going after him.  He needs that attention to feel good about himself and to forget or ignore his problems in life.  I put myself in his shoes for a moment, and realized how truly sad his life is.  The truth is that he has and will continue to put up with the company of just about any girl – as long as he doesn’t have to be by himself around them.  He knew the right words to say, how to be funny and to joke about all the right things… but he never told his own secrets or concerns.  Instead, he was extremely well-versed in movies  – perhaps because it’s easier (and safer) to “relate” to others through movies than it is to use actual stories from your life.  And to a certain extent, I know what that’s like.  When I first entered treatment, I never told stories during lunch about myself.  I would always relate to others’ stories by using examples from TV shows I watched, or something I saw in the news.  It worked to deflect attention away from myself – so that no one could have the opportunity to get to know me well enough.  I was so afraid that if someone did get to know me, they might find out how fucked up things were in my head.  They might find out how much of my life and shit I didn’t have together – despite my outward appearance of seemingly happiness and perfection.

Knowing and Understanding the Why:

I know all too well what it’s like to keep yourself so busy, to try to distract yourself day in and day out with work, athletics, shopping, social meetups, food rules, anything – just so that you never have a moment to yourself.  So you will never have time to have to think about all the problems and the issues in your life – the hurts, the regrets, the shame.  And heaven forbid, if you start to think about them, then you might have to figure out how to deal or cope with them – and that is terrifying.  It’s a vicious cycle – no matter what someone’s “vice” may be.  Mine just happened to be food related.  I can’t even begin to guess what this guy’s might be, but at this point, whatever.  I know how painful it is – how scary and uncomfortable it is to face your issues, and to attempt to cope.  I’m still working through mine, and there’s still a long way to go, but I’m trying.  I’m getting the help I need.  And I’m finally (fucking finally!) realizing that I don’t need people in my life like him to make me feel bad about myself, just because he feels bad about himself.  I deserve to be surrounded by supportive and loving people, ones who know the real me.  It is scary though, when you’ve been hiding ‘you’ from yourself for so long – you have to dig through quite a bit of crap before you can start learning who the real you is, and learning to love it.

And Finally, Finding Acceptance:

booSO with all that being said, it finally hit me – and yes, unfortunately it took 26 years, some bad breakups and quite a bit of therapy – that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy.  I’m not searching for someone to “complete” me – like I’m only half of a person right now or something, just because I’m single – I’m searching for someone to compliment me.  I have to love me and everything I stand for.  Once I do that, I can find someone who will make me even better.  And if they don’t make me better, then I don’t need them.  I’m perfectly happy spending time on my own, so if a relationship doesn’t work out, I know I’ll be ok.  I feel as though I’ve found the right balance of keeping my heart open, but guarded… someday I’ll find someone to compliment me, and life will be great.  But I’m not going to sacrifice myself and my life for them anymore.  I’m done with being treated like a victim, with putting up with things I know that I shouldn’t, with always losing myself when I start falling for someone.  I used to dive in head first and somehow fall into only doing everything they enjoyed – maybe thinking they’d like me more or something?  When in reality it was just my extremely low self-esteem and me not knowing who I was, what I truly liked to do, or even thinking that I was worthy of more than the way they were treating me.  After a lot of introspection, I know that I’m a catch!  I’m the ‘prize’ and the right guy will treat me like the prize I am.  And if he doesn’t, then someone else will.  I’m not in a hurry.  Time and love will unfold as it may.  I just have to always remember who I am and that no matter what happens, I will be ok.

Thanks Ed

Alright, all this talk about Eating Disorders (“ED”) and all I can think of is how much I love Ed Sheeran!  His songs are so real, and soothing.  Here’s a couple I love to listen to when needing to calm down the anxiety a bit:

Tenerife Sea:  “Should this be the last thing I see, I want you to know it’s enough for me.  Cuz all that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”

Afire Love:  “I could look into your eyes until the sun comes up,”

Posts from My Journey

Below are the many posts I wrote to myself on my phone as I attempted to get through recovery:  (My first day of intensive treatment was June 24, 2014)

Sometime in May

The first things that come to mind when I think of these five words:

Money – makes you happy, spend entire paycheck, saving

Love – pain, can’t trust, anger, distance, regret, care about what others think, holds me back, no support

Sex – weapon, slut, guys only want this, drunken, not good at it

Family – expectations, judging, anxiety, pressure, unknown, work, fear to leave, self-acceptance first

Power – good, fun, use for change, intimidate

Happiness – trying to find, travelling, less money, less work, more giving, could get bored

 June 22, 2014

What scares me is the more I learn about myself and what I want in life, the more I realize that J knew that already.  He knew me so much more than I knew myself, and that scared me.  So I came up with these elaborate ideals and goals, turned off my emotions and ran from him.  He was the one for me, and I felt like I met him too early or something.  I invented reasons to fight with him, reasons that he shouldn’t love me, reasons to push him away. Just so that I wouldn’t feel guilty about hurting him and running away to “live life” or something.  Fast forward three years, and now he’s with another girl, that last I heard, he’s not happy with.  But it’s been like 2 or 3 years with her, and I don’t think he’ll leave her.  But I don’t feel like it’s ok for me to talk to him because even if I convince him to leave her and to love me, would things really be better?  Would we really live happily ever after?  Or would he come to resent me?  Or maybe he really is happy with her.  So this is where I am left after all of this… Alone.So why do I feel like I need validation or something from him?  It’s been 3 years now.  And yet… I can’t shake the feeling that he’s the only one to this day who truly knew me.. And truly loved me, for me. But someone else could, right?

July 24, 2014

I need my own space!! I want my own car.  All my shit is in it, as I don’t want to have to move everything. I have to apt at the gas station to get ice for my cooler, I have I get tampons cuz it’s the stupid middle of the month and on top of it I just have anxiety and need my own fucking space!!  Especially before competing!  I feel like something like this is pissing me off and will throw me off for the rest of te day and I’ll suck at competing cuz I can’t stop thinking about how I didn’t get my way and just ask to bring my car with me!  Aaaasrrrrrrgggghh!!! I want to hit something! Just let me take my car and not make a big deal out of it.  Don’t make it sound so weird that I have OCD or something if I just want to take my car!  But in the grand scheme of things, like any said a lot last night, does it really matter?? Should it really piss me off this much, or throw off my entire day just because I want to take my own car into the site today?! Nooooo!! Calm down K.  You’re just being nice, Amy is making a lot of costumes, all your car would do is park at the site and sit there while you plan your competitions and put together routines and such.  You’ll probably need to go for a ski run too, so just calm down, take a deep breath and let this one slide.  You don’t always get your way, all the time. And you can keep using this as an excuse.  Sure, everyone has shit going on in their life, but at a certain point, you need to accept that this is your shit that you have to deal with, but that real life doesn’t stop.  I guess I get so caught up in the movement and forget to take a step back, breathe, and remember what’s really important.  And that’s family, friends, safety, a career, love. And I just semi-lied to my dad about competing today.  Shit, he’s gonna be piiiiiissed.  But whatever.  I’m doing this for me.  To have fun for me and to prove to myself that no matter what type of shit I’m going through, I can do this.  I can stand tall and inspire others!  Truth is, I’m excited for this weekend.  It should be fun!  Even though I’ve been sort of dreading it all week… Perhaps because I’ve been scared of the emotions, the anger, the shame, the eating disorder, the craziness, the partying that it would bring up.  But it doesn’t ever work to worry. So be calm, and breathe.  Be calm and know that you are strong, and you are powerful, and you CAN do this.

August 6, 2014

I had my first-ever nightmare last night.  I dreamt that some drug l-dealer guy was trying to kill me and kept sending people after me while on the way home from nationals, hahaha.  I kept having to get different rides from people because he blew up my car.  I tried to get a ride with T, and he helped for a bit, then left me high and dry, like he has this summer.  Then I was at home and these movers were moving stuff back into mom and dad’s house (but they weren’t there) and this guy tried to kill me, so I grabbed this tiny knife and tried to get to him first.  And then I woke up.  Sweating, in lots of fear.  I just laid there and felt the fear, the heart beating, anxiety that I haven’t felt in years.  I’d been running from that feeling for so long, it was as though I just sat there and embraced it.  It wasn’t bad, or good, I just felt it, tried to take note of the sensations my body was feeling so I could identify that feeling again.  I would never wish another nightmare on anyone, but maybe it was good.  Hopefully it’s a good sign that I’m dreaming again, and that I’m remembering my dreams again.  I’m eating enough, sleeping enough, and really starting to take care of myself. I still feel crazy, I still overthink way too much, and I still have no idea who I am or what I want to do or who I want to be, but at least I’m getting somewhere… I think!  I also am glad that I can smile more at practices, but I do get cranky.  I’m not the happiest person in the world anymore, but I guess that’s ok… No one really is, so it make me more real, and human, or something.  Man I hope I figure this out soon.  Dad probably isn’t very happy with my lack of working right now. 😦

August 11, 2014

“While life damages everyone, people can always be mended.  Just like heart break, a broken mind can be healed with time.”

August 28, 2014

I just threw a temper – tantrum equivalent to that of a 2 -yr old not getting a candy bar they want at target.  Yes, it had crying, screaming, sniffles, that deep-breathing-out-whine, complete with shouting, “I don’t want to!”  I didn’t even know why I was crying at first…!  Was that my eating disorder shouting that it doesn’t want to eat?  Shouting that I don’t want to keep going in treatment?  That I don’t want to keep fighting, to keep working for my parents, to go to the show tonight?  I don’t want to keep struggling with food.  I don’t want to keep trying to dig myself out of this fucking hole I dug all by myself.   I don’t want to be responsible, to grow up, to keep having to be so mature and responsible all the time.  I don’t want to live the rest of my life having to struggle with food.  I don’t want to have to be perfect anymore.

September 1, 2014

“Sometimes you find yourself on a path you never expected – but that doesn’t mean it can’t lead you to a beautiful place”  -Outlander

September 2, 2014:

M ‘ s right – now is a time that I have to focus on me and how I’m feeling.  That’s where I’m at right now, and I just have to accept that.  I have to remember to let whatever comes come and whatever goes go.  That’s just how it has to be right now.

….

Dear you know who you are,

Thank you all for teaching me things about myself and for showing me the way to recovery.  Each of you had a different hand in it, helping and hurting,  but ultimately you all make me feel so alone.  So betrayed and distrusting of guys and relationships.   How am I supposed to believe there is good in the world when any guy who has once been nice can be oh-so-not?  I want to believe that someone could treat me right, and that I deserve the best, but when?  From where?  Going through recovery I’m starting to feel better and like it’s ok to open up, but is it?  I thank you all for helping me know that I can get through hurt and hell and betrayal, but do I really want to?  of course to get acceptance there will be a lot of rejection, but it sucks.  Feelings suck.  I guess I keep focusing on me and what I want.  And what I want is to move to florida.  To become a teacher, and to fall in love.  One step at a time I guess.  I just have to remember how I felt last night, that I am good enough.  I am worthy of love.  I am important.  I will prove all 3 of you wrong.  Someone out there will love me someday and I’ll be happy.  I’ll have climbed from the ashes of the anger and sadness you all brought to me, and I’ll be better for it.  It’ll just take some time… to deal with food and family and myself.

So what is it I’m overwhelmed by that scares me so much about food for the rest of my life?  I’m overwhelmed by being alone, by living life with just me and by not living it right. (Oops there’s the perfectionism).  I’m overwhelmed by the expectations of my parents and the choices they want me to make.  I’m overwhelmed by all they expect me to do and all I have yet to do.  I’m overwhelmed by expectations in general and by social situations.   I can’t even navigate food, so how could I even get close to navigating a relationship?  Fml.

So lebanon… I will go and have a fun time, attempt to eat the food, joke around with everyone and ski when needed.  I won’t worry about my weight or about T2.  I won’t drink much, and will put some books and movies on my ipad to watch during breaks.  It’ll be a long trip, but I’ll have to make the most of it.  Be happy in who I am, and know that I am worthy.   I am good enough – better than enough for T2.  It will be fun to see everyone again,  and that’s all it will be.  Things won’t go perfect, but I will be able to handle it.  It’ll give me time to research teaching in Florida as well.  I can flirt with T2, but no more (and thank goodness Miss B will be there and be my roommate)  extra reminders!  I just can’t allow that.  I expect someone to treat me better than that!  I am worthy and important and good enough.

September 5, 2014:

I’m not over J yet.  I’m still in love with him, but I know I have to let him go.  I still believe in magic (as Coldplay would call it), and I know it can happen again.  It’s all about loving yourself, the right timing, a little vulnerability, and a dash of luck.  I feel like I’m on the right path… moving to Florida at the end of the year, becoming a teacher… it all just feels so right, for once on my life.  It’s scary to be changing it up so dramatically … but I have time to orepare.  Time to save money, explore possible schools, tell mom and dad, wrap up the marketing stuff.  It just feels possible.  And deep down in my heart, it’s what I want.  So it’s going to be a tough next couple months, especially after figuring out what the “poison” is.. what’s been making me sick for so long… and it will have to keep making me sick for a little while longer.  It may get worse before it gets better, but I have to remember. .. it will get better.  This is all finally the right path for me.  I just know it’ll be worth it. It will get better!!

September 9, 2014

Sweetheart, just go out there and show them what you can do!  You made it this far in the water ski world and have earned the right to be a part of this team.  Not one person has been surprised that you’re on the team or has said that you don’t deserve to be here.  So what are you trying to prove?  You’ve gotten through the hardest part (making the team), and now you get to enjoy the ride.  Put on a great show with your teammates and just have fun out there.  You’re one of the best swivelers in the world, and your performance this weekend – wet or dry -won’t change that fact.  You are strong and beautiful and determined.  You have so many people proud of you for just being here.  Hold onto that pride, know you’re good enough, take a deep breath and just ski.  You were born to be here, and you can do this.  You got through treatment like a boss, and though there are struggles, look how far you’ve come!  If you could push through that fucking Chinese meal, then this is cake 🙂 Good luck my dear – you no longer have anything to prove – remember that.  And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.  Love You beautiful!

September 9, 2014

REMEMBER YOU!

-1 thing you’re thankful for today
-1 victory
-watch big bang
-read Harry potter
-play bubble witch
-journal
-listen to music
-stretch/yoga
-naked juice
-walk
-call:  mom, St, M, N
-color
-breathe
-blanket
-dance
-paint nails
-stumble upon

September 20, 2014

I hate feeling this way.  It’s exactly what I was afraid of… starting to let someone in again and then the jealousy kicks in.  I was so worried tonight about T2 and A (I think that’s her name).  She’s super nice and whatever, but was totally coming onto him.  They talked almost all night and I just continually felt like shit, that sinking feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy of love.  That he’s just using me.  That he doesn’t care like I do.  But then a couple things happened – he faced me with his feet and torso all night while talking to her, he talked to me once in awhile – and it made me happy.  At the end of the night he gave me a piggy back and brought me all the way to the hotel… but yet didn’t want to say bye to her.?!  He held my hand for a second, then let it go… he says he doesn’t like people being all up in his business, but is that really the deal? Really?!  He called me “babe” today when I fell and I can feel him always watching me – but I guess I’m just scared that he’s not in the same spot I am.  Well what’s the solution?   Be proud of who I am.  I don’t need hjm, I am beautiful and amazing and determined without hjm.  I don’t need him to be happy – although it’s fun.  I guess tonight kinda sucked cuz living in the moment didn’t really work.  I have anxiety about the rest of our vacation because A will be around…. [later on]  Ugh. And now I just asked Miss B about him and he’s slept with her… right before this trip.  Fucking asshole.  I don’t even know what to think right now.  Poor girl.  Poor me.

October 1, 2014

The recurring dream has happened at least two more times after that first, really scary one.  The second time he was trying to shoot me with a gun, and was shooting up the house, but I ran upstairs and somehow made the floor/ ceiling between us really wide – so wide that the bullets couldn’t get through.  And then I woke up.  That was a couple weeks ago, either right before world’s or during worlds, I can’t remember.  The third one was last night.  A man was chasing me with a gun… but I had one too.  And I shot back.  A lot.  It was in my parents’ kitchen if I remember right.. (dreams get hazy after awhile).

Reading online what this type of dream means, it signifies a fight to end a habit or a former way if thinking.  I guess when you actually commit the murder in a dream it means an end to an addiction. “Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.”  This struck me as extremely interesting… it’s ED that keeps trying to pop up and I’m trying to end him!  Amd the overwhelming feelings are from work, from the future, etc.  And from the disappointing feelings from all the men in my life 😦

But each time this dream occurs, I get stronger and smarter and push ED back further.  So it’s good I think… I cannot wait until the dream stops – and ED is gone.  It also noted that dreams of murder seem to occur during points of depression.  Interesting.  But again, I hope they end soon.